Talking to Toddlers
Communication & Toddlers…
This can be quite a challenge at times. It can also be some of the sweetest moments with our toddlers. Or maybe even some of the funniest. Toddlers do say the funniest things! But the challenging times, those are the times I want to help with. What are ways we can speak to our toddlers and have them listen? What are ways in which we can communicate and have them hear us? What are ways we can set them and ourselves up for success?
I try and think about what it would be like to be two years old. I try and imagine it… For instance, I feel like it goes a little something like this… I have a lot going on in my mind but very little coming out the way I want it to. Adults just seem to stare at me when I am talking! How come they can’t understand me!? Or better yet, I have no idea how to ask for space, so I will hit instead. That seems to work well… and my imagination takes off!
I can’t tell you how many times I have said to my own kids, “I am so sorry, I don’t know what you are saying, show mama, show mama what you want”. Or the times where they say something and I have no idea what they are saying so I start guessing, “cheese?” And they whine. I try again, “do you want more water?” And they just look at me annoyed. “The red car?”— nope! “The book?”— not that either. “The blocks?!”, “Yes!!!!” And I feel like I just solved the greatest puzzle of all time! I know others have been there too. This is the norm with toddlers. I find just remembering that they understand so much more then they can verbalize helps me stay patient and more empathetic. How frustrating for them!!
Below are 10 quick tips to help ease into effective communication with Toddlers!
10 Quick Tips:
Pay attention to how they communicate. Do they show you things by pointing? Do they tend to whine when they want something but can’t tell you? Do they use baby sign? Do they have a few words? Whatever is working for them, lets use it! We don’t have to focus on what isn’t there, lets focus on what is there. If they are super verbal, run with that. If they have only 1-2 signs, run with that. If they gesture more, run with it. It is helpful to meet them where they are at. I remember using the sign “help” with my first a lot because it was the one way we could really communicate when she was frustrated and didn’t know how to tell me. I used what she knew and it helped.
Be genuine. I find it helpful to talk to kids how I would speak to anyone else and not in a baby way. I find they appreciate that respect. Toddlers are not babies anymore and they feel that way too! I find they respond very well with this type of interaction. I also think it is important to get down on their level, look them in the eye, and have genuine interactions with them. They really take it all in.
Start small. Work on 1-2 ways they can tell you something and build from there. Maybe that is baby sign, maybe that is a word or sound. But something that is helpful for everyone to help understand one other.
Validate their feelings. When you see they are frustrated or sad, give that a name. I see you are frustrated. I understand how upsetting that is. I am here to help, I am sorry you are sad. Showing empathy and understanding creates a safe place for communication. Build on this when they are little and that respect and understanding will be helpful in teen years.
Replacement Communication: I.e model for them a better way to say something. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t like you” you can teach them to say “I need space or I am frustrated”. Instead of saying “move! Don’t touch me” you can teach them to say “I need space”. Practice ways to speak and communicate their needs and wants in a more appropriate way.
Pay attention to teaching moments. Expressions that are kind, respectful and helpful need to be taught. I always go back to personal space and the example of a hug. For example, you can say this, “If a friend wants to give a hug, but you don’t want to, you can say “No thank you.” Instead of pushing your friend. I also have used, “Please respect when people say no”. This is a way to build healthy boundaries and effective communication. It is important to teach kids to respect peoples space and to respect their own as well.
Replacement Behaviors. Tell them how you want to see them behave instead of just telling them what you want to see stopped. Instead of saying, “don’t yell”, you can say “use inside voices”. Instead of saying, “don’t hit” you can say, “use gentle hands”. Practice telling them the behavior you want to see instead of focusing on the negative behavior you want to change.
Be a broken record! Repeat, repeat, repeat! You can never underestimate the power of repetition with kids. It is important to repeat your expectations, your rules, and important messages you want them to hear, for example, “we are kind to one another”. Sometimes it can feel like they just don’t listen. Research shows it takes time for things to fully sink in and become their own. So help them to learn by being a broken record.
Patience. Always remember to slowly chip away at your goals. Always remember that learning takes time. Always remember that making mistakes is part of learning and how we grow the most. When in doubt, take a break!
Recognize the positive. Reinforce and show genuine praise when you see them using any positive communication skills. “Thank you for using your words instead of hitting!” If you want to see more of something, give it attention. Don’t forget to praise those good behaviors you want to see more of!